chest_bones

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 03:53:30 GMT

I was doing great for a while there. Got down to 111
Then started binge eating again. I ended up purging a lot and losing weight. then I stopped purging and in one day gained up to 114.6!
The last few days I've been eating 1000 or more calories because I'm still in an awful binge eating mood but its all been from fruit and peanut butter...well minus that slice of pizza I had today.

This morning I was at 113.5.
I think my metabolism is slowing down majorly because I haven't been exercising at all lately.

My first day of Spring Break is on Friday.
At first I wanted to be 95 by then, then 100, then 105. now i'm just hoping to be under 110.

Here is my chart for the next few days and Spring break

	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Mon
Current Weight	113.5
Calorie allowance	250	150	0	250	350	400	400	0	150	0	150	0	300	250	250
Calorie intake	1200
Exercise Plan	-450	-500	-700	-500	-1000	-800	-800	-1300	-1000	-950	-1000	-1100	-700	-550	-500
Exercise Actual	-30
Water	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz	64 oz
Water intake	56 oz
Evaluation	L

BINGE

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 06:23:59 GMT

In 7 days I had a total of 1234 calories
In those 7 days I lost almost 8 pounds (7.6 to be exact)
Even better is that this means that I didn't binge for 7 days which is a record for me.

Today I ate 1950 calories.

so what happened to me?

I deserve to die.

I've got the flu :(

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 20:47:53 GMT

Yesterday was just awful for me

I woke up in the morning freezing cold under my down covers and 3 other thick blankets and paler than ever before. Seriously my lips were white. My fingernails were purple and my stomach hurt soo badly. So did all my joints especially my knees. My lower back hurt more than it has ever had before, and I have back problems. I layed in bed the entire day in soo much pain.

My dad said "well you either have the flu...or you haven't been eating enough lately"

I say "I eat"

He says "well make sure you eat good enough today"

I say "Okay I'll eat good enough"

He says "well that proves my point"

How tricky is that? Anyway I tried eating "good enough" but it was so hard. Not only because I didn't want to eat but because the thought of food made me want to puke. I knew my stomach couldnt handle anything but liquids. So for the day I had 1 bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and dinner and for lunch I had watered down tomato soup. Which didn't taste that good at all but my mom always checks how much food I have so I had to add the water to make it look like more. My total calories for the day was 240.

After I woke up my dad gave me tylenol and I was able to go to sleep since I didn't sleep for more than 3 hours during the night. When I woke up I was feeling tons better - which supported my dads claim that I just wasn't eating enough because the flu does not just go away.

My dad told me to walk my dog. So I was going to but then I found out that I didn't get into UCSD...my top choice. So I balled for a while and then took my dog for a walk then dropped him off at home and took a much longer walk on my own and smoked a cig. I was in such a bad mood. I ended up walking for a little over an hour though burning 150 calories! BUT the cig made me feel like throwing up even more and halfway through my walk all my joints and muscles started hurting and I had to get home as soon as possible. Once I entered the door I just collapsed in pain.

I tried sleeping but it was so hard. I did manage to fall asleep a couple times but when I woke up I was still cold and hurting. Later at night I ended up having a fever of 103. It went down to 101 and then back to 103 and then before I went to bed it was 99.

Thankfully this morning I feel better. Not 100% though.

I've lost 5.8 pounds in the last 4 days!

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 19:54:05 GMT

yesterday was pretty fun. I skipped track practice and hung out with a couple of my friends before dinner. We went out to Maria's and I wasn't going to have any bread. Even when the hottest waiter ever brought over the bread basket I just looked and it and was so grossed out. I did not want any carbs in my body.

He brought out the oil and vinegar and I still didn't want any bread.

Then he brought out steaming hot marinara sauce, which in all the times I've been to Marias they have never brought out. I was so cold and the sauce looked soo good...I gave in. I had 1 and a half pieces of bread. Then I ordered a caesar without dressing and just ate the lettuce and 3 croutons. So I'm guessing my total calories were around 250. but I could be way overestimating on the bread. It's better to overestimate than to go under though.

I think eating helped to raise my metabolism for the night though because I woke up 1.5 pounds lighter.

Since it's the weekend and my mom is making me eat...
for breakfast I had 2 cups of green tea and 1/4 of a cup of nonfat cottage cheese so total calories are 40!

For lunch I'm thinking about an egg white omelet (50 cal)

and then for dinner an apple (80 cal) and some lettuce (15 calories)...or maybe a cup of chicken broth (86 calories)
I'm not sure but my main goal is to stay under 200 and if my parents make me eat a big dinner than under 300 cal because I have no control over that.

And then my hope is to go to the gym a little later and burn 700-800 cal.

Tonight my friends want to go out to a party and I think I'm just going to say my stomach really hurts and not have any alcohol because although I loooove taking shots I don't want those extra calories in my body. I have to get down to 95 by spring break

<3

no food...again!

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 03:53:12 GMT

YAY I didn't eat anything at all today again!
Today it wasn't because of my mood but because I was so busy with school and then afterward we had a track meet. I didn't get home until a little after 7. I didn't run in the track meet though because I'm so out of shape I would be too embarrassed to run...so I didn't burn any calories.

Not only was I too busy to eat but the thought of eating makes me sick. I don't want to eat. at all. Food grosses me out right now.

Tomorrow I won't have to eat breakfast and lunch because of school, then I have track practice which will probably just be a 20 minute run, and then I'm going out to dinner with some friends before going to see the school play (footloose). We're going to go out to Marias...their bread gets me every time but right now I just can't imagine myself eating it tomorrow because I refuse to have carbs in me. So hopefully tomorrow I feel the same way and am able to just say no to the yummy warm bread basket. And then for my meal I'm just going to order a salad.

I can't even fit into my own clothes...

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 05:01:40 GMT

So today I didn't eat anything. Not one bite. I just didn't and don't want any food. Which I have no problem with!

In other news I am upset. It's really sad - I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore. Tomorrow my school is having their annual Founder's Day mass and we are required to dress up...oh and the mass is always outside and in the morning. So it is going to be around 50 degrees.
I have a lovely outfit planned...a skirt that's too tight on me and a t-shirt because none of my pants fit me and I don't own any mass-worthy long sleeve shirts. I am going to freeze.

I did go to the mall today with my mom to try and find clothes, but all the stores have cleared all their warm clothes out for spring. The few shirts I found weren't flattering or just were plain ugly. And the few pants I found were always too long and a little tight. My thighs looked huge in each pair. My eyes started to water and tears came down my face. I started to hyperventilate and I was soo angry that I was too big to fit into any of the clothes. And then I was angry because I was crying over something so pathetic as this and couldn't control myself.

I've decided I'm not eating even one bite until I am 100.

wow haven't updated in over a year...

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 03:21:52 GMT

I'm back.
and only a few pounds under my heaviest weight.
I am embarrassed to even say my weight.

my world has completely spiraled out of control.

Over the past few months I would get so close to my goal and then gain everything and more back. It's been an awful rollercoaster. binge eating, fasting, binge eating, fasting. Unfortunetly there are more binge days than there are fast days.

Psychologically I've been doing worse since last year. Over winter break I was soooo happy. My mood switch was drastic and amazing. Then my depression came back and my anxiety has become worse than ever. It's gotten to the point where it is difficult for me to go to sleep at night because I panic at every little noise and start to freak out about my weight and body. My mind never turns off at night.
I've been doing so badly that my therapist has decided that I "obviously have no control over my mind and actions" and that it is time for me to be put on meds.

So today I went and saw a psychiatrist for the first time. Dr. Ruttenburg (the psychiatrist) put me on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. He told me that I'm bipolar. Which I do not agree with. I've only had one hypomanic episode in my entire life and the rest of the time I've been depressed, and lately severely depressed. He said though that even though it was one episode it still qualifies me as bipolar.

Anyway Lamictal is the first bipolar med approved since Lithium, but unlike Lithium it has almost no side effects. Which is really nice.

Is anyone else taking lamictal? How has it worked for you?

I still don't think I'm bipolar though.
but I do hope the meds will help.
My main hope is that when my moods are stablized I won't be so irritated and depressed and I won't binge anymore! That would be so nice.

Food wise today though went really well for me.
1 apple...actually a grapple (an apple that tastes like a grape) weird but pretty good. not worth the money though...thats 80 calories
5 grapes, 8 calories
1 cup of my moms chicken broth, 86 calories
Total: 174 cal

My goal is 95-100 by spring break, April 14th.
Thats around 20 pounds in the next month. If the next 30 days go as well as today I'm sure I can make it.

Plan for tomorrow...
Breakfast - nothing
Lunch - nothing or 60 cal yogurt
Dinner - nothing or my moms homemade chicken broth (86 cal)

so at most tomorrow I should have 146 calories